MzBrownEyez's Datingish

what is your sexual fantasy?

Fri, 18 May 2012 03:23:45 GMT

A couple of nights ago I was talking to Brad on the phone, doing our usual sex talk, all hot and steamy. I thought all was good until he asked me about my fantasy. Silence, I had nothing, mainly because I disclosed everything, well just about everything, but my actual fantasy is not that at all, and I don't think I can tell him that. He told me his fantasy about a threesome, and watching a girl eat me out. But mine is more sensual, and something that he definitely cannot do for me, at least not yet...hopefully in due time. I contemplated telling him, but then I got scared that it would just scare him away since we're not committed, and I didn't want him to think that I wanted a committed relationship right now. I'm content where we are, and I'm willing to wait for the time when he is ready for a relationship.

So what's my fantasy?? It's making love, it sounds cheesy but sofakingwhat. It's something that I've never done before, something I really want to try. I do fantasize about all the freaky ways to have sex, but I know how to get it all done. We've done more than half of what I consider freaky with Brad, and I'm sure we can do more. BUT to actually make love, WOW now that's something to fantasize about. I imagine making love to be more sensual, more passionate, and takes you to a parallel universe. I was taken to a different place with Brad, once, which made it seem like we made love, but i don't know if it was making love or just really really good sex.

I admit, I use movies and romance novels as references for my fantasies (NO NOT TWILIGHT = puke!). It's fun because we do all the freaky stuff, but that element of LOVE makes it so much more enticing. Imagining what it would feel like/be like to make love as oppose to sex. Brad and I, I think only have sex, it's felt close to making love a couple times, but I notice that we hold back our feelings, at least, I know I do. Considering what we've been through, I'm too scared to show passion, especially since he's not ready for a relationship and the fact that he "broke-up" with me once, I'm scared he'll "break-up" with me again..I hope that when I do make love I'll be able to lie down and know for sure we just made love. I hope it will be with Brad, but I don't know, he has a steel wall with brick padding to which I don't know when/if he'll let down.

That's why they call it a fantasy.. ;)

Note to self

Fri, 20 Apr 2012 05:20:43 GMT

Do not change entry individually to match site because then when I change it, I have to go and change every entry! Never again, lesson learned, and duly noted.

Slow and Steady wins the Race!

Sat, 14 Apr 2012 05:03:05 GMT

Almost two months since Brad's V-day text, and so far pretty good. We're not together, but we are communicating which is better than nothing. Last month he texted me that he wanted to have a talk with me again about his feelings towards "us". I was thinking OMG just when I thought it was going good he's going to hurt me. I was hesitant but also curious, what on Earth does he have to say this time?? I texted him back , "Didn't you do that already? Are you going to make me cry?" I most certainly did not want to go out of my way to meet up with him if it was just going to be another broken heart. He replied, "I know I wasn't clear about my feelings, especially last time. I just want you to be happy even if it's not with me. But I hope that it can be with me." Hook, Line, Sinker! dammit he got me again. We made plans to meet and have lunch and talk. I ended up meeting him for dinner, he looked like a painter and that was what he planned to wear. After a minor argument, we went to Target where I bought him a zip-up hoodie. I dressed-up, and I was damned if I was going to be seen with him looking dirty. If I came more disheveled then I wouldn't care but I didn't, and I wanted us to match - not like twin day, i just mean appearance-wise. Anyway so we had a very nice dinner at a cool little sushi spot that gave us some feeling of intimacy. He then drove to a park where we had out talk.

The talk
How do you start? We obviously didn't know how because he just sat there in silence for a few minutes messing with his phone, while i looked out at how pitch black it was outside. I finally turned to him and said, "ssssoooo you wanted to talk???" like lets get on with it, i still have to drive home for the next two hours. Then he spilled his guts! He told me how he had a meltdown the last time he saw me, and how he's recovering and getting back on track. He said that he cares about me, but that he wasn't ready to be with me because his life is in chaos. I tried to tell him that I wanted to be there for him as support, and to help him get through whatever it was that he was going through, but he said he was too used to relying on himself that he needed to do it on his own. He then said that he didn't want to bring me down with him. I understand that, but it's my choice too; he wasn't having it. He kept saying how he doesn't want to lose me, but that he didn't expect me to wait. I told him he was worth waiting for, and asked how long he thought it was going to take him to get his shit together.. He said a couple years. I think I can wait that long..He then admitted that the past few months before V-day he had been trying to forget about me but consistently failed. He told me he slept with other women, but that each time he ended up going to sleep with me on his mind. EGO TRIP FOREAL! I knew I was going crazy trying to let him go, and to hear that he went through the same thing , I admit, made me better and I rubbed it in his face. he broke my heart, and I thought he didn't care anymore, I felt the need to do something. However, I admitted that there was no one else I wanted to be with beside him. I tried to be with him, to change his mind, but it didn't happen, but at least we're not losing contact.

NEWS FLASH WE WERE AN ITEM apparantly!
So all my friends were right when they said that I was in a relationship because Brad said it too! I was floored because as you all know I was not admitting to anything that may be false! He said that though we didn't agree to it, it felt like we were together and he did think of himself as my boyfriend. omg go figure, i didn't seen that coming from any direction. And that made him feel worse because he didn't think he was being a good boyfriend, hence the "breakup". I was absolutely speechless, but it also felt nice that it was coming from him. It was no longer speculation, it was fact. That night was also confirmation that we have to work out because when he said that he couldn't get me out of his mind, he said that he didn't know whether it was good or bad. I remember thinking the same thing and I think it's because for the first time we're with someone who makes us weak, and that's scary. Frightening!

He ended up coming back to my place where we had some amazing make-up sex - so to speak - it was just mind blowing! His kisses felt more passionate, he held me closer and tighter; he even cuddled with me when we fell asleep. If you remember, he stopped doing that after October 2010.

So onto the present
I tell people that we're taking it slow because there is no way in hell that I am letting him get away! I haven't seen him since what was mentioned above, but we do converse every now and then. I just spoke to him the other night and we're trying to see each other again, so i think things are heading in a good direction. I don't mind taking things slow because he is definitely worth waiting for. =)

Happy Valentine's Day

Sat, 18 Feb 2012 22:19:46 GMT

I got a very unexpected "Happy valentines day" text from Brad that made me want to cry. It was both tears of joy and sadness. Why was he texting me, and out of all holidays why today? It had been three months since the "break-up" and we didn't greet each other Valentine's day last year. And as many females will do, I called one of my best friends and freaked out about it. I didn't know whether to text him back or just leave it be since I thought we were DONE. She calmed me down and told me to reply with happy valentine's day too, and if he responds great, and if not then he probably wanted to just greet me, but of course she didnt' know why. So an hour later I texted him back, and he texts me a and says I wish things were different. OMGoodness I balled out. The wound reopened and i just thought of how cruel life is, and thinking it was some twisted joke.. I couldn't believe all of this was happening, especially a day before a presentation and two days before an huge exam, and of all days in the year Valentine's day. I sat in the library trying so hard to cry silently, I couldn't process it at all. When I got home I texted him back '"I do too", which i thought was a sufficient response. Then an hour later I texted him again because I admit, I wanted to keep it going. So i texted "...so does this mean that you miss me... lol jk, i hope everything is good," and to my delight he responded positively with another and saying that he more than missed me and how he was getting his life back in order. My heart melted and for the rest of the night we texted back and forth. It was great, but in the back of mind I kept wondering why all of this was happening. Why are we doing this to each other? I don't know what this means, or if it means anything at all, but I was also caught up in the moment and didn't want it to stop for fear that i'll never get a chance to talk to him again. Then I fell asleep. SHIT!

The next day i got a string of texts he sent me the night before saying how he kept the same number in case i needed to get a hold of him, i responded with a comical question, "in case i need to? or in hopes that i would, because I don't need to, but i did want to." But before i texted him that I was thinking wtf, does he not remember what happened in the past three months? From my perspective he was saying it was over, done because when I bluntly asked him if I was ever going to hear from him again, he said no, and he gave EVERYTHING back. So why would he think I would need to get in touch with him? My first impression was to say all of that to him, but then I decided not to, I didn't want to ruin the good vibes, and we began texting for a little bit.

I don't know if it was a good thing or a bad thing. I've missed him so much up to this point that now I have an urge to see him. I want to text him and ask him to hang out but it may just be one of those things that are better in my head, and will only backfire if I say it out loud. And then i got to thinking maybe this is all that it is, he just wanted to greet me happy valentine's day. It's now Friday, and I haven't heard from him since Wednesday. I could be jumping to conclusions, but now I'm thinking that maybe that text "I wish things were different" was just a saying because he didn't say that things will be different, it's implying that things will be same and that he's not going to change anything.

Now what?

The "break-up"

Sun, 12 Feb 2012 23:16:54 GMT

So i was supposed to talk about my "break-up" with Brad, huh. It's been three months, and he still constantly pops into my head. I wasn't sure if it was normal or if I was beginning to lose my mind...some people say it's normal, others say it's not, i don't know, but part of me still wants to talk to him, I just don't know how. The day after I texted him some sappy thing -that i will not repeat out of sheer embarrassment- but I will say that day... I called him a lot, I even drove to his friends house with my eyes swollen and ready to puke out my heart. SoO I think that's good. I once thought to send him a card since his birthday is coming up , but now I don't know, it seems to soon, and the fact that I don't know what to expect is really hard to accept. I admit it, I want it to work out, I want him to come back and I want us to actually try because he ended it before it even began! My friends all told me that given our situation we were practically together, but all those times we spent together I treated it as friends with benefits. And when he ended it, omgoodness I lost it. I cried so much, I felt like Bella from Twilight. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't function, the next day I was a hot mess. I think the finality of it killed me, we didn't end on bad terms, though, I wish we did. He did give me the it's not you it's me line but he said it with so much sincerity and his eyes were filled with so much sorrow it's hard to believe that he was just giving me a speech. I mean it took over five minutes for him to get in his car and drive away, and as he slowly drove away he just stared at me. It was like an old movie in the 20's and 30's, I don't know how to process it. I cannot comprehend how much i cried. I cried for what seemed like forever.

And to this day, today, I still miss him a lot. I can't even watch romantic comedies because it makes me miss him so much more. Sometimes I think I'll suck it up and call him, but then I remind myself that it isn't a movie, he's not going to be with me because I called and poured my heart out. Sometimes I think I should show up at his doorstep and talk to him, but what if he's not home, what if he doesn't want to see me, what if he thinks I'm crazy. I've thought about asking one of his friends for me, but I don't think that would work. For all I know he put it in the back of his mind and doesn't think about me, but I read somewhere about how a guy has it worst than a girl after a break up...so does that mean he does think about me?

LOL look at me, I'm blabbing on and on about him and wondering how he is, and it's been three months, he hasn't gotten in contact with me since, I didn't expect him to but all my friends asked me if he did as if he should have. I don't know, maybe I'm so strung out because I never felt love pains like these. Part of me says to move on because it's over, the other part says do something, contact him, if I get shot down then at least I know I tried, but dang I think I love him.

AND no this has nothing to do with Valentine's day coming up, the day never bothered me. hmm unless subconsciously it is bothering me... oh psychology you keep my mind busy til i'm dizzy!

Time to say goodbye for good.

Sun, 04 Dec 2011 05:35:01 GMT

WOW a lot has happened since the last time I was on here.

So here's part one.

I was just with Nic a week before his birthday, felt like we had sex the entire night... Then...BAM(face palm)!!

It was Nic's birthday that officiated his relationship (to me) because on his FB there was a picture of the two of them and she greeted him with a happy birthday, and saying that she loved him.. OMG, now I couldn't deny it anymore and knowing that she loves him changes everything. I don't think she would just throw it out there just to say it, so I texted him asking how long he's been in a relationship? and he responds that he's in a few, my jaw drops, and i tell him that we can't do this anymore because i don't want to take part in any of that. I know, I should have ended it blogs ago, but as I said before I was hoping he'd end up coming clean, and honestly, since i hadn't heard from Brad, I thought maybe it was a sign that Nic and I were really meant to be. Anyway, the pictures were up so it was just too obvious, i had to say something, i couldn't play dumb anymore.

He did apologize, and I believe it was genuine. AND THEN a week passed and I was still pissed because I thought about how selfish he was for stringing me along and obviously not hiding that he has a girlfriend, so I wanted to do it one last time, just to get it out of my system and see if we still had a friendship worth pursuing. How that makes sense, I don't know, it made sense at the time... So i texted him, he asked why we didn't just keep going, and I told him because I didn't want to, so then he asked what's the point in doing it one last time. I tell him because it's the last time, and that's it, there would be no point in doing it one last time if we were to continue. He agreed. We met up at a hotel because we have nowhere else to go.

it lasted for a good hour and a half, no breaks. We didn't kiss, we kissed each others' body but not the lips. It wasn't great, but it wasn't bad either...we went to bed and i couldn't sleep, i slept in intervals. And then out of no where, he rolls over and puts his arm around me and holds me. I froze for a second because he's never done that before and then i remembered the last time i tried to hold him, FAIL! so, i just laid there, i didn't hold his hand, i kept a firm fist (just as he did before) and i think he felt my coldness and rolled back over to his side. I wondered why he did it, and I wanted to ask, but I was sure he wasn't going to give me a straight answer, so I just let it be. He left the next morning for work and I went home.

you would think i'd be devastated because we were supposed to be meant to be. He was my best friend and they say that best friends make the best lovers. well obviously not in this case. I'm actually glad I'm not his girlfriend because I would hate to be in her shoes. I feel so bad for her because she says she loves him; i hope he will be faithful to her now.

part two..a week later Brad comes back and breaks my heart..

"Going the Distance" - Justin Long and Drew Barrymore

Sun, 16 Oct 2011 21:32:04 GMT

Watching this movie was like watching how me and Brad's situation should unfold because we started out GREAT by just having fun with each other and as time progressed we became closer and more intimate. By the time I actually watched this movie, we were in a good place and I thought maybe, just maybe this can turn into a relationship. But watching it now, I remember telling him to watch it too, I didn't say because it reminded myself of us, but because it was insanely funny (i really think it's hilarious), but he never wanted to. Maybe my enthusiasm already implied that it was about us. He watched all the other movies I wanted to watch with him except this one. So, watching it now made me realize that we really were not going any further than where we were, even if it seemed that all the signs pointed to us getting together. EXCEPT HE wasn't for it and that's the deal breaker, the deciding factor. It didn't matter how great the sex was, how good the conversations were, how well I got along with his family, or that he 'loved' everything about me because at the end it didn't change our situation, he still did not want me as his girlfriend. Maybe he was still inlove with his ex, maybe the whole thing with my friend and her car turned him off, maybe his life got too complicated, or maybe despite everything he just did not see me in that light.

I know it trips me out that when I kissed Nic I instantly felt butterflies in my stomach and whenever I kissed Brad I didn't. And I wanted to get that flutter in stomach so bad, that spark that tells you it must be meant to be; I wanted it so bad because he made me feel so good, and he was everything I wanted, and yes like Sandra Bullocks character in "Practical Magic" he was the one who shouldn't exist because he was so perfect for me. I mean, I saw glimpses of him in other guys I've dated, and as I've mentioned before that the fusion of two could possibly make my one, but never had I thought to find all my desired qualities in one guy....and then lose him. AND LOSE HIM!! oh how I wish I had that storybook ending, that happily ever after, but there's nothing I can do because if he doesn't want to be with me, if he has made up his mind that we're not going to be together then I have to accept that and move on. Maybe he was just the guy to show me that a soulmate does exist...and that, just because they exist doesn't mean we get happily everafter, that would be too perfect, and as we all know life is cruel.

Finally woke up!

Wed, 12 Oct 2011 07:02:42 GMT

So i had a moment of missing Brad really baaadd, i got sad and emo, i couldn't get any work done, i just kept thinking of all the things we did and how great it all was. Then I got a call from a friend of mine and she was telling me about her new beau and how he holds her while they sleep, she asked me if Brad ever did that and I told her that he did when we were first messing around, but after his place got broken into he stopped, i thought it was because he went into survival mode, but she thought it had something to do with his ex. She made a very good assumption! She said that since they hung out over winter break, he probably realized that he still had feelings for her but was still messing with me so he was torn, and then the whole thing with my other friend and her car happened so that was pretty much the deal breaker between us. Makes complete sense because he wouldn't want to invest too much feelings in us if there wasn't going to be an us, especially if he still had something for his ex. I just wish he wasn't a portrait of everything I wanted from a guy, and I wish we didn't get along so well, but I can see why his ex would go to lengths to get him back. It made me miss him less. I almost don't miss or care about him anymore because if that was the case then what a fool I was for falling for him and not catching those signs. Maybe I was too high from being on cloud nine that i just let everything pass over my head, well the cloud turned grey and rained on my parade. I still think about calling his dad to see how he's doing, and sometimes I think I should go to some lengths to let him know that I still care, but then I start to think of what a fool I would look like to chase after a man who doesn't want to get caught, but then again what if he does? LOL oh the FAQs with no answers, what should i do?

I thought I woke up, but by the end of that paragraph, shit, I think it's back to the drawing board. I woke up for a minute, jotted some notes, and am going back to sleep.

HMM!! the guy before Nic is attempting to get me back too!! but that is another blog, it's really getting late and I have class tomorrow morning.

threesomes...minage a trois

Sun, 02 Oct 2011 23:57:45 GMT

I was recently invited to be part of one this weekend but declined the offer. I was thinking about why I didn't want to do it. Well for one, I like dick (period), two I don't want to go down on a female, kiss a female, nor go feel inside her. I've entertained the thought before and realized that I'm not bicurious i'm inlove with dick and kissing guys. However, I thought, i'll let her go down on me (or that's what i used to think) because that's all about pleasing me. Then I got down to the real reason, what if she's better than me at everything? What if the guy we're with ends up liking what she does and then I'm just kicked off to the side. Now I know for a fact that I'm good, but what if she ends up being better, that thought turned me off even more. I then thought back to the BET show "THe Game", the episode when Melanie finds a female to have one with her husband Derwin. So he's blindfolded and tied up, and the girl comes out of the closet and starts kissing his body and he's like - thinking it's Melanie- "oh damn baby you got better" FAIL! and for that reaction to happen with me, oh no I'd be devastated (lol dramatic huh), but really that would be a huge shot at my ego. I just can't deal with that in my face, and yes there is a chance that it won't happen, but then there is a chance that there will, and I'm not willing to take that chance.

I was then asked if it was with two guys, i declined to that as well, i don't think I can deal with one in my vajay and the other in my mouth...and then having to switch? Or one going down and the other in my mouth? lol Plus that's just too much testosterone for me especially since I mess with high levels of testosterone. As freaky as I am, only to one man and I'm completely fine with that.

It's Monday

Tue, 20 Sep 2011 05:59:20 GMT

This past weekend I messaged Nic because I saw a guy at a party who had an uncanny resemblance to him. I don't know if it was because we were in a dark room, but every time I looked at him for the first 5 seconds I would think "Nic". So telling him, I thought would be a nice test to see how we're doing since all the other attempts got me nowhere. It was nice though because it felt so carefree. I didn't put too much thought into what I was saying I just said it and he responded. It could have been the topic, but nevertheless he responded in a positive way and we were able to joke about it. I didn't bring up what I saw on his FB since, as i must have noted here before, I shouldn't text how I feel, and since it seems that we're on a good note, I can wait until I see him in person to figure out what’s really going on in his love life. I'll leave it up to him to tell me about his girlfriend, that is, if she is his girlfriend. I am worried that if he doesn't tell me about her I'll feel like I can't trust him anymore because why is he hiding her from me? I can see why he would hide me from her because he must have some kind of feelings towards her based on how the post was worded as well as the comments. I wonder how he feels towards me… Hmm maybe he doesn't want to stop what we're doing because I know that once he tells me about her we are SO platonic with no exception. I don't want this as my Karma, and I don't want to be the one doing this to her it's too mean and conniving for me.

I hope we can be friends again. I want that more than anything else.