Watching this movie was like watching how me and Brad's situation should unfold because we started out GREAT by just having fun with each other and as time progressed we became closer and more intimate.  By the time I actually watched this movie, we were in a good place and I thought maybe, just maybe this can turn into a relationship.  But watching it now, I remember telling him to watch it too, I didn't say because it reminded myself of us, but because it was insanely funny (i really think it's hilarious), but he never wanted to.  Maybe my enthusiasm already implied that it was about us.  He watched all the other movies I wanted to watch with him except this one. So, watching it now made me realize that we really were not going any further than where we were, even if it seemed that all the signs pointed to us getting together. EXCEPT HE wasn't for it and that's the deal breaker, the deciding factor.  It didn't matter how great the sex was, how good the conversations were, how well I got along with his family, or that he 'loved' everything about me because at the end it didn't change our situation, he still did not want me as his girlfriend.  Maybe he was still inlove with his ex, maybe the whole thing with my friend and her car turned him off, maybe his life got too complicated, or maybe despite everything he just did not see me in that light.

I know it trips me out that when I kissed Nic I instantly felt butterflies in my stomach and whenever I kissed Brad I didn't. And  I wanted to get that flutter in stomach so bad, that spark that tells you it must be meant to be; I wanted it so bad because he made me feel so good, and he was everything I wanted, and yes like Sandra Bullocks character in "Practical Magic" he was the one who shouldn't exist because he was so perfect for me.  I mean, I  saw glimpses of him in other guys I've dated, and as I've mentioned before that the fusion of two could possibly make my one, but never had I thought to find all my desired qualities in one guy....and then lose him.  AND LOSE HIM!! oh how I wish I had that storybook ending, that happily ever after, but there's nothing I can do because if he doesn't want to be with me, if he has made up his mind that we're not going to be together then I have to accept that and move on.  Maybe he was just the guy to show me that a soulmate does exist...and that, just because they exist doesn't mean we get happily everafter, that would be too perfect, and  as we all know life is cruel.

I was recently invited to be part of one this weekend but declined the offer.  I was thinking about why I didn't want to do it. Well for one, I like dick (period), two I don't want to go down on a female, kiss a female, nor go feel inside her.  I've entertained the thought before and realized that I'm not bicurious i'm inlove with dick and kissing guys. However, I thought, i'll let her go down on me (or that's what i used to think) because that's all about pleasing me.  Then I got down to the real reason, what if she's better than me at everything?  What if the guy we're with ends up liking what she does and then I'm just kicked off to the side.  Now I know for a fact that I'm good, but what if she ends up being better, that thought turned me off even more. I then thought back to the BET show "THe Game", the episode when Melanie finds a female to have one with her husband Derwin.  So he's blindfolded and tied up, and the girl comes out of the closet and starts kissing his body and he's like - thinking it's Melanie- "oh damn baby you got better" FAIL!  and for that reaction to happen with me, oh no I'd be devastated (lol dramatic huh), but really that would be a huge shot at my ego.  I just can't deal with that in my face, and yes there is a chance that it won't happen, but then there is a chance that there will, and I'm not willing to take that chance.

I was then asked if it was with two guys, i declined to that as well, i don't think I can deal with one in my vajay and the other in my mouth...and then having to switch?  Or one going down and the other in my mouth? lol Plus that's just too much testosterone for me especially since I mess with high levels of testosterone. As freaky as I am, only to one man and I'm completely fine with that.

Thanks for FB, i found out that Nic has a girlfriend, or one that might as well be his girlfriend.  At first i was extremely hurt because we were messing around and I don't know how long they been together.  I contemplated letting him go, deleting him from FB, and never speaking to him again, but I took a day to think about it.  And I concluded that this isn't a bad thing because maybe, just maybe we can be friends again!  I recently heard Musiq Soulchild- Half Crazyand instantly I thought about me and Nic's situation and how I didn't want it come to the point where i never talk to him again. Here are the lyrics so you don't have to look them up.

Never thought that we would ever be more than friends/Now I'm all confused cause for you I have deeper feelings/We both thought it was cool to cross the line/And I was convinced it would be alright/Now things are strange, nothings the same/And really I just want my friend back/Chorus: And my mind's gone half crazy cause I can't leave you alone (oh can't get you out of my system)/And I'm wondering if it's worth me holding on (holding on)/Said my mind's gone half crazy cause I can't leave you alone (can't get you out of my system)/And I'm wondering if it's worth me holding on (yeah)/Verse 2: I'd hate walk away from you as if this never existed/ : Cause when we kissed the moment after I looked at you different/Lately I gotta watch what I say/Cause you take things personally nowadays/You used to laugh now you get mad/Damn I just want my friend back/Chorus: And my mind's gone half crazy cause I can't leave you alone (oh can't get you out of my system)/And I'm wondering if it's worth me holding on (holding on)/Said my mind's gone half crazy cause I can't leave you alone (can't get you out of my system)/And I'm wondering if it's worth me holding on/oh oh oh oh oh yeah/What happened to the one I used to know (oh yeah yeah)/The one I used to laugh and joke with/The one I used to tell all my secrets/We used to chill and be down for whatever whenever together yeah/And my mind's gone half crazy (oh) cause I can't leave you alone (I'm going half crazy baby)/And I'm wondering if it's worth me (oh) holding on (over you)/Said my mind's gone half crazy (yeah) cause I can't leave you alone (and I just don't know)/And I'm wondering if it's worth me holding on (said I just don't know what to do now)/we used to chill (yeah) we used to hang/we used to do we used to do some many things together (yeah) yeah yeah yeah yeah oh oh yeah oh oh oh

We don't have to mess around anymore, but i really really just want to be friends again.  I've thought this out, and I know I will always have feelings for him, but I also know that I am really bad in relationships, besides we were better as freinds anyway! I'm thinking of talking to him about it and hopefully we can work something out. I do however want one last kiss just to see if there really is a spark or something; it would be great closure. I know this all must sound so weird, but I cherish our friendship way more than a relationship.  Besides, I figure that if we are really meant to be then no matter we will end up together

I dreaded going back to school because I dreaded going home.  Brad only left a few pieces of clothing but he also left a mountain of memories that will replay in my mind for another year til I graduate.  I'm afraid that every time I look around I'll see a moment that we shared because we did a lot together.  Aside from Nic right now, there was no one else I was seeing and I didn't care to find anyone else whenever Brad was away.  I told everyone it was because I don't date anyone younger than me, but maybe in my subconscious I wanted to stay "faithful" to Brad.  Well I'm back at school and back home, so far the memories haven't bombarded me so that's good, but I do miss him everyday.  However, at the same time I'm constantly thinking about Nic.  I don't know if I mentioned it before but I feel like Allie from the movie The Notebook when she was torn between her fiance Lon and Noah, I guess you can say that since Nic and I have history then Nic = Noah and Brad = Lon.  Like Allie, I cannot compare the two and I've tried to especially since Nic is back in my life and Brad is no where to be found, but they both made/make me feel completely different.  

Guess who just messaged me on FB? Yup Nic. He joined facebook not too long ago and added me as a friend. I was hesitant at first because we had a bad falling out, atleast that's what I think.  But I thought maybe if I add him we can be friends again, so I did, but we didn't communicate until two weeks ago.  I honestly didn't want to be the first one to message him in fear of appearing too eager.  It may sound foolish, even childish, but I'm so scared of losing him again.  So, he messaged me asking how long how I was going to be home, I told him, and he said we should hang out.  I said sure, just let me know when you're free after last week, but he didn't respond. I'm guessing he was waiting for the week to end, I don't know.  I'm not trying to over analyze the situation since there are a variety of reason why he's asking me to hang out. 

But I have to admit that when he first messaged me my mind and heart were racing.  I was brought back to one year ago, I felt his presence and I smelled his scent.  And then I thought, wow all this time I had been worrying about Brad not being over his ex, and now here I am wondering about Nic so maybe I'm not entirely over him.  All it took was him messaging me and my mind goes racing back to the past while my heart beats faster as if excited and scared all at once.  I want to smile but I'm not sure what I'm smiling for: because there's a chance that we can be friends again, or because there's a chance that we can work it all out?  I'm scared it's more the latter because I've grown fond of Brad, very fond but Nic must have always been in the back of my mind.  I feel like I'm cheating on Brad in a sense, or double crossing him because we had such an incredible time when I saw him that I thought he very well had to be the one, truly the one. 

But like I said before, I'm afraid of losing Nic again, and I don't know entirely why.  Every reason that I can think of brings up a contradiction, making me second guess myself and it's driving me insane.  Maybe it's the allure of Nic being such a huge part of my past and the concept of being meant to be, a happily ever after.  And then there's Brad who if I was looking for my soul mate, he comes very close.  Nic was relationship driven, while Brad just wanted relations, but Brad mind fucked me while Nic remained silent.  The two are very passionate, and driven individuals, both are my type, I'm sure if they were one guy he'd be perfect, but they're not, so if it came down to choosing I wonder whom I would choose... 

I was just with Brad two weeks before Nic messaged me, you would think I knew exactly what I wanted, just a week ago I thought I did too, but getting Nic's message didn't  bring confirmation or closure, it just opened a can of worms.  Now, I haven't heard from Brad since I seen him, so I have no idea what's going on, but it's always been that way.  I won't hear from him for a while and then out of the blue he'll show up or call me and all will be well.  And yet!  All of this comes at the time of another transition in my life, this is my last year at the university, after Spring 2012 I have to decide where I'm going for either grad school and medical school, and we all know how this turned out  when Nic was in my life.  I just can't go through that again.  But for all I know, it could all be so innocent and I'm over reacting, however, I won't know until it all unfolds. Maybe after all of this I'll write a screen play and sell it to a director (LOL), besides I always thought of my life as a movie.

I'll keep you updated.